This month has been focused on intimate relationships and having worked with couples from all walks of life in counselling situations, blame is often the #1 factor for how the other feels, so I often hear: ‘They’re making me feel angry, upset, unhappy, sad, insecure, bad,’ etc.
The first crucial element to grasp is that your point of attraction, which is your repeated thoughts, feelings, words and actions (beliefs) are what brought this person into your life. The second crucial element has to be in the knowing that they cannot make you feel anything other than what you allow them to.
Control is often the #2 factor: ‘They won’t do what I want them to do, how I want them to do it and when I want them to do it.’ The resistance that you keep on meeting as you try to mould, manipulate and get what you want, is showing you how you rely on the behaviour of others for your happiness.
your current relationship is a match for your point of attraction and you get to decide on how you think, feel, speak and act within it and the task of the other person is to reflect back your state of being. The cause of blame and control is the external dependency on another’s behaviour to bring you happiness and if they fail to make you happy, then you blame them for not valuing you.
The underlying issue of blame and control comes down to a sense of feeling trapped. Those controlled often describe how they sacrifice their desires in order to appease the other, so they’re more concerned with what their partner is thinking and feeling and they no longer focus on their own need for expression until it can’t be contained any longer. The controller is often focused on the greater audience, so they’re image conscious and they compare themselves to their idea of what perfection is and most times they find themselves falling short of the mark.
If both are not dealt with, then it can explode into affairs, mid-life crisis, addictions, OCD’s, ill-health, pursuits of danger to feel alive and so many other mind games centred on lack.
Blame, control and reliance upon others for happiness indicates your non-alignment to the greater aspect of you. The focus is on the external and not on the internal. The greater you is always centred on thoughts and feelings of freedom and expansion, as this is its natural state and before you can truly relate to another, you have to bring yourself to the same place as your greater self by feeling for who you truly are. Only then can you ask: ‘In my free state, do I want to think/say/do this? Do I want to wear this, go to this place, conform, be restricted or even have a relationship with this person?’
To see this in action, write down a list of all the positive qualities that you liked from your past and present intimate relationships (you can add physically attractive or well-groomed or stylish, but not physical looks). Under the words of this list is a feeling that you want. Feel it, as this is what you’re really asking for. Immerse yourself in the absolute expansion of it and aim to BE those qualities for yourself, as these will become your new point of attraction and your current partner will either adapt or move out of your energy.
Only you can choose what to think, feel, say and do in any given moment and if it’s not in alignment with the pure, positive force of who you truly are, then it’s not worth entertaining. The negative is just a prod to change direction from what you don’t want into the focus upon what you do want, not from anyone else, but from yourself. You must feel and reside in the end result of what you want before it can show up in your life
The outer will always shift to what the inner state is, so if you can stay aligned for just three days in the above feeling, you’ll begin to see the effect of your new point of attraction.
By Jo Le-Rose