Recent chats with people have been on the process of grief after losing a loved one (relationship breakup or death), so I wanted to share a healing tool that has helped many people let go of that overwhelming wave of grief, which often occurs when you least expect it and leaves you feeling isolated and alone The below is from a conversation with a recently bereaved woman.
Q: My husband died six months ago and I haven’t been able to come out of my pit of despair. People keep telling me that time’s a healer and I’ll get over it, but it hasn’t eased. How do I get back to me?
A: Firstly, time and healing are not symbiotic – feeling and healing are. This is where you’ll find your relief. Secondly, you’re not going to try and get through grief or get rid of it, you’re going to sink right into it and be with it 100%. Grief itself can be a great tool for healing, so here’s what to do:
- Pick a time when you can shut the door on the world and be in a cosy, private place. Make sure friends and family know that you’re not available. This next bit is vital. Set yourself a time frame, for example, three full nights and four days. Wear comfy clothes and bring out all your memorabilia, so pictures, shared music, letters, movies, his clothes, etc. Once you have these with you in your haven, you’re going to use your grief to celebrate his life.
- Every step you’ve taken together has been an experience of growth, so go through the memorabilia and rather than ‘miss’ him, speak out loud about the story behind a picture, an item of clothing, a piece of music or his favourite food you’re cooking. Verbalise all the sad, funny and intimate bits (you can imagine him there with you). At the end of every piece of memorabilia, once you’ve emptied out, feel the gratitude for having shared those moments of life with him. This shift into gratitude is important.
- If you wake up in the night remembering that he isn’t there, get up and once again go through your shared items. Covering the same pictures, clothing, music, etc.
- Your feelings are going to go through stages of deep sadness, anger, frustration, joy and loneliness. Allow it all to be there, speak out and immerse yourself 100% into any waves of feeling. Use the tools of energy breathing and how to feel, as shown in chapter two. Feeling (not thinking about) the energy 100% until it moves through you is the key.
- As you keep repeating the above process, you’ll find that the same picture doesn’t hold quite the intensity of grief or cooking the same meal or reading the same letter. This happens if you’re speaking out and being with the feelings 100% without holding back or suppressing them.
- By the time you emerge from your cocoon, there’ll be a sense of closure, as if you’ve celebrated his life and your journey together. This is not to say that grief won’t pop up, it will, but it won’t be so engulfing. Feeling the grief 100% followed by gratitude is what gets you out of that pit and allows you to move on.
By Jo Le-Rose.